In the Quiet of the In Between
Our understanding of what it means to sit in paradox, or as a dear friend described to me many years ago, “sitting in the gap” of what feels like two polar opposites, takes time, energy, and discernment.
My son (who is now 22) often asks me which of two things is true. He has not always appreciated my responses, likely because they are often the same, as I reply “it depends.” Perhaps both can be true in different and nuanced ways. Another response I often share with him is “it is complex” and “there are layers.”
As I grow older and wiser, I notice the diverse perspectives that individuals bring. As I continue to step into my own awareness, I realize that two things that seem in opposition can also be true.
It feels to me that we spend so much time arguing with ourselves, maybe more than with anyone else, and that this is often the cause of our frustration and angst. It is often what makes us feel stuck. How do we make sense of both things at once?
I am currently away in Maui on a deeply enriching retreat that is working in layers I have never experienced before. One example of a paradox I am exploring involves my own family. My parents were both “good” parents and also parents who inflicted harm on me.
I have spent a lifetime, including years of study to earn a Master's in Counseling, trying to understand my confusing upbringing and trying not to repeat the same patterns in my own family. Yet it is not that easy. So much of what we repeat in behavior stems from unconscious patterns that were programmed into us without our awareness.
You might be thinking, “This does not sound hopeful.” And yet, it truly is. Once we understand that our brains love to run on autopilot and we begin to name and see these patterns, new possibilities open. We realize we have choices. We begin to hold ourselves in unconditional love.
As humans, we are not perfect. Most of the time, we are doing our best with all that we know and all that we have at the time. My parents were doing their best with what they were given. They set out to create something better with their own young family. Some patterns were so deeply ingrained in family history that they could not be untangled in past generations.
So, what hope do we have now? When we do our own work and begin to unpack beliefs that keep us stuck, we break free of the shackles that hold us back. We create new choices. We can choose to hold ourselves with love and compassion. We can choose not to argue with parts of ourselves that emerged because they served a purpose at an earlier time in our lives.
The kinder we are to ourselves, the more lovingly we hold ourselves, the more healing becomes possible.
Stay tuned for more resources coming soon.
In the meantime, a beautiful and gentle place to begin loving yourself more deeply and holding yourself with compassion can begin with Kristin Neff’s work.
I also welcome you to reach out to me to schedule a free call, if it is “calling” to you.
Peace,
